Month: November 2012

Some Do’s and Don’ts of Divorce

 Like it or not, people going through a divorce may find themselves in situations that quickly become very contentious, even when both parties agree that it is in their best interest to part ways. Below is a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” from www.Findlaw.com, that might help to prevent this difficult situation from becoming unbearable.

THE DOs

DO be reasonable and cooperate as much as possible with your soon-to-be-ex. Reasonable compromise yields quicker and easier results in divorce cases.

DO support your children through the process. It is even tougher on them than it is on you. Don’t make them pick sides.

DO let your spouse know when and where you will spend time with your kids while you work out permanent custody arrangements. Your spouse might think you’ve made a run for the border – and if your soon-to-be-ex has to ask the police to track you down, that won’t look good during custody or visitation hearings.

DO fully disclose all your assets and property. A court can throw out a divorce decree based on financial deception, putting you back in court years after you thought everything was final.

Do ask your attorney if anything doesn’t make sense. Your attorney works for you, and should help you understand every part of the divorce process.

THE DON’Ts

DON’T make big plans to take a job in another state or move out of the country until your divorce is final. Your new life could interfere with getting your divorce finalized.

DON’T violate any temporary custody or visitation arrangements. It could make it tougher for you to get the custody or visitation rights you prefer.

DON’T “give away” property to friends or relatives and arrange to get it back later. Hiding property can mean your spouse can take you back to court to settle those assets.

DON’T go it alone. Divorce is complicated, and an attorney can make sure that your interests are protected.

AND A FEW WE’VE ADDED:

DO come to your meetings with your attorney prepared with updates and requested information.

DO engage the services of a therapist to help you through the emotional aspects of divorce.

DO engage the services of a therapist to help your young children understand family changes that result from divorce, and

DON’T discuss your case and/or your attorney’s advice with friends and family.  Bear in mind your disclosures may create witnesses if settlement efforts break down.

 

Why Mediation Works

“Reactive devaluation”.  That is the take away term from a mediation training I attended in May of 2012.  The term describes a phenomenon I”ve identified as a mediator, divorce lawyer and one time Husband, but it took the training to give that phenomenon a name.

In the context of divorce mediation, parties generally harbor negative feelings about their spouse or former spouse.  Those negative feelings compromise the ability of one party to hear the other, no matter how valid or important the message.  Polarized parties react by devaluing the message because they don’t like the messenger.

For a while, I thought mediation worked because parties in mediation recognize they can control the outcome and avoid the uncertainty of discretion exercised by a judge.  I still think that’s true in part.  Good lawyers in mediation certainly understand controlling risk.

But, as I continue to mediate for parties in the context of divorce, it is increasingly clear to me that it is my ability to serve as a substitute messenger, and a filter, that brings people to agreement.  As a mediator, I find it rewarding to carry and deliver important messages that might otherwise be reactively devalued and not received.

There is a connection between this concept of “reactive devaluation” and Stephen Covey’s 6th habit of empathic listening, the habit of seeking first to understand before being understood.  Negative feelings and emotions can interfere with the implementation of that habit.

At the recent recommendation of a great judge, I’ve read Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning.  This book was foundational for Covey, and it ties nicely into the concept of reactive devaluation.  Frankl (and Covey) emphasize that we have the freedom to choose, at all moments of life, how we will react, even in the worst of circumstances.

Mediation is a great tool when you are the messenger getting shot, the one doing the shooting, or both. You have the freedom to choose how you will react to the difficult circumstances of divorce.  We can help you hear important messages.  We can help you deliver them.

Welcome Judge Dotson-Smith

Susan M. Dotson-Smith was sworn in as District Court Judge in the 28th Judicial District on Thursday, November 8th, 2012.  Judge Dotson-Smith has been assigned to Family Court and will assume the case load historically carried by the Honorable Rebecca B. Knight, and for a temporary period, by the Honorable Fritz Y. Mercer, Jr.

The swearing in was remarkably well attended.  Among the participants in the oath of office ceremony were Chief District Court Judge Calvin Hill, Resident Superior Court Judge Alan Thornburg, N.C. Court of Appeals Judge Cheri Beasly and N.C. Supreme Court Chief Justice Sarah Parker and Secretary of State Elaine Marshall.  This attendance connotes the importance of the position and the fact that Judge Dotson-Smith will touch the lives of many in Buncombe County.

We at the Siemens Family Law Group welcome Judge Dotson-Smith’s presiding in the Buncombe County Family Court and look forward to advocating in her courtroom.